I’d be remiss in my duties as a Canadian citizen if I didn’t sound off about the upcoming election. Usually, I refrain from commenting on political matters because I’m simply not up on all the issues. I think that I’m reasonably well informed, but I’m weary of being pigeonholed as an uninformed jackass who doesn’t know right from left.
Therefore, I am going to forgo any direct political commentary and embrace a time honoured political tradition: Satire. Here we go then…
Ten Political Parties That Should Exist in Canada, but Don’t.
- The Heroin Party. Cribbing from the Marijuana party’s handbook and cranking it up a notch, The Heroin Party would advocate the legal distribution of all hard drugs including methamphetamines and crack. Their theme song would be Iggy’s “Lust for Life”, and their mascot would be a big, animated dirty needle wearing a Brooks Brothers suit. David Cronenburg would be the voice of the needle, and Bruce McDonald would direct their smear ads, which would be directed against every other political party – including the Marijuana Party who they will deem “pussies”. On election night, their leader would be filmed injecting himself with the good stuff and would be arrested on National TV, carted off to an illegal prison in Nunavut and forgotten, thereby ending their political aspirations.
- The Antichrist Party. Advocating an abolishment of all religion and the replacement of all hotel bibles with copies of Nietzsche’s Twilight of the Idols, this party would play the “ultimate disenfranchisement” card. Their leader, a neutered, black t-shirt, black jean-wearing skinny white man with a devil goatee and a vague German accent, would offer the ultimate solution to Canada’s problems: Nihilism. Their slogan would be: “Rebellion is for pussies. Grow up and annihilate.” If elected, their first move would be to perform a dramatic demonstration of the frailty of human life by sacrificing four virgins on a stone altar on Parliament Hill.
- The “Paul Martin is a Fag” Party. Existing only to slander our Prime Minister, the PMIAF party would do everything in its power to further the specious hypothesis that Mr. Paul Martin is, in fact, gay. They would produce fake photographs of Mr. Martin in various compromising positions with other men. They would produce fake recordings of Martin making deals with male prostitutes. These would be used to extort millions from Martin in order to sue him for corruption and anti-trust violations.
- The Retrogressive Dystopia Party. Believing that the world is a damn bloody mess, and believing that the answer to the world’s manifold problems is to simply flush our civilization down the toilet, RDs propose to roll back infrastructure to 17th century levels. This includes destroying all electronic devices and effectively wiping out three centuries of scientific development. Modern conveniences like running water and electricity will be outlawed and their existing infrastructures will be torn down. They believe that the post-renaissance world was a better world that we currently inhabit. The veracity of that claim shall remain to be demonstrated.
- The Infanticide Party. In a brave effort to stem spiraling birth rates, the Infanticide party proposes a controversial mandate. That mandate, in essence, states that prospective parents must hold a “reproduction license” before giving birth. “No license, no baby.” Is their slogan. This controversial, hard-line stance will be met with worldwide disapproval. In their defense, the leader of the party will be seen on the CBC kissing babies in front of an abortion clinic and doing the ‘ol grin and grip with a cardboard cutout of Dr. Henry Morgentaler. This party will be strong advocates for personal protection, not only making handguns legal to carry, but making scimitars, pole-axes, and glaives legal personal weapons.
- The Earth Elimination Party. Starting out as a rogue faction of the Antichrist Party, EE leaders will embrace a more radical agenda: The elimination of the Earth as a planet, and by nature of that goal, the human species. These people are not going to mess with trivial matters like wiping out the human species. They want the Earth to disappear, and with it, all trace of humanity’s taint on this universe. Perhaps the most radical of underground parties, the EEs are staunch anti environmentalists, bombing “green factories” and locking fists with PETA and Greenpeace at every corner.
- The Exotica Esoterica Party. The most mysterious of political parties. No photos of their leader, or any of their members for that matter, will exist. Their website will be filled with arcane jibberish and incomprehensible doublespeak. They will, effectively, have no platform because nobody will be able to decipher their published materials. Their controversial publicity campaign will involve the hiring of seventeen burlesque dancers to do door-to-door campaigning. Their campaign literature will consist of (used) black satin panties smelling of husky lavender, a red paperclip, and a black garter clasp. This mysterious blend of objects will befuddle voters, but the campaign will meet with success out of sheer originality. If elected, their sole contribution to The House will be catcalls and leg shots for the media.
- The Fuck Quebec Party. Making their agenda clear in their party name, the FQ-ers are actually on the same side as the Bloc Quebecois, albeit for different reasons. They will not be interested in Quebec sovereignty, they simply want Quebec to “stop whining” and leave Canada. Their proposition is that the “Republic of Quebec” should only include a 200 km band of land from Montreal to Quebec City. “The rest belongs to Canada” will be the most spoken phrase of their campaign. Not surprisingly, their strongest support is found in the prairie provinces. “Xenophobia: The Only Answer” will be their campaign slogan. In the final week before election, the leader of the FQ’s will be arrested for public drunkenness and for sodomizing a Jacques Parizeau blow up doll on Rue St. Denis in Montreal.
- The Cock Bloc Party. This radical feminist party will advocate castration and public flogging for convicted rapists and pedophiles. They will also advocate the idea of a “parenthood license”, which, unlike the Infanticide Party’s “reproductive license”, which both partners must acquire, is a stipulation that applies to men only. Their leader will say things like, “A cock is not a father, “ or “Stick that thing somewhere else.” This party will crumble after its leader is assassinated by radical members of the Wife Swapping Party.
- The Wife Swapping Party. Formed in response to the Cock Bloc-ers, the “W-Swappers” platform will be based on the concept of polygamy as valuable social tool. Their leader, who will be a rumoured Polish transvestite, will promise to open the first bordellos and swingers clubs on Parliament Hill. Their platform will include plans for the nation-wide legalization of prostitution, polygamy, and dry sodomy. This party will be mired in controversy after the discovery of a videotape containing scenes from their leadership election. The party gathering will start out civil enough, but will suddenly break into an uncontrollable orgy culminating in RCMP involvement and several arrests.
Hope you enjoyed. And VOTE YOUR FACE OFF on the 23rd.