Monday Morning Shopping

September 7, 2006

When you find yourself grocery shopping in Mac’s at 7:00am on a Monday morning, it might be time to reevaluate your nutritional paradigm. Might not be a bad idea to have a look at your time management skills while you’re at it. Coffee Crisp, Doritos, and Diet Coke will get you by in the short term, but they’re a one-way ticket to angioplasty. One too many hits of beef jerky will inevitably lead to the aortic stent, and it’s always that last pack of peppered beef that puts you there. Beef jerky and cigarettes are the devil’s good work for certain. And what about those wrapped pastries, the ones that seem to evoke some vague, vestigial memory? Are they safe to eat? Just how long have they been laying there on the shelf? They feel soft, and truth be told they are tempting on those certain days when the hunger pangs ring louder than bombs, but something tells me they’re as fresh as last year’s snow. That hasn’t stopped me from subjecting my tender bowels to the horrors of a Twinkie with an indefinite best before date. That night I thought I was hurling bile. Turned out to be the yellow remnants of the Twinkie.

Ever hear of a potato chip sandwich? Two slabs of bread, a handful of ripple chips, a squeeze of garlic dip, and, if you’re in a gourmet mood, a gummy frog speared on the top. Maybe a side of Skittles to round things out. All those ingredients are readily available at any 24 hour convenience store, and all will readily stop your heart and clog your bowel (and possibly damage your kidneys) in no time flat. And how about the classic bachelor breakfast: Gatorade and Cool Ranch Doritos. Or Coke and Dill Pickle Lays? Dirtbomb Coffee and a Kit Kat bar? Horrific Cheese Popcorn and a Face-Ripping Red Bull? A bag of Nibs and the latest issue of Swank? Two fruit bars and a bag of M&M’s? If you’re eating like this, and I’m not saying that I do, not at all, you better have your velvet casket picked out.

And don’t make like you’ve never done these things, like you’ve never substituted a Reese’s PB cup for a meal. I’ve seen you behind the Old Dutch at 7:03am. I’ve watched you pick up the Journal, a bag of S & V chips, and a half-litre of chocolate milk. You’ve enjoyed kippered beef and cold coffee for lunch. I know you have.

A Little Announcement:
I’m doing a reading TONIGHT at a fundraiser for The Roar Spoken Word Festival (theroar.ca). I’ll be delivering three new poems. Takes place at The Element Lounge – 10807-106 Avenue, Edmonton. 8:00pm. More details here.

Vignette #109

4 reader comments (closed)

1

Stu

mmmm…Gatorade and Cool Ranch Doritos in the morning are the best but it’s the ass ripping gut slaming feeling you get after that really sucks.

Sep 10, 2006 • 13:24

2

Emmy

There is an anthropological study called garbology. In this academic pursuit of knowlege about us, gross humans that we are, layers of garbage that are many decades old are analyzed and sifted through. Results? The two foods that take many decades to decompose fully, kind of like radiation, are twinkies, and brand-x breakfast sausages cough McDonalds.

Just a little something that my $20,000 education has filled me in with.

Anyways…keep up the goodness. I feel like such a shlub for missing the fundraiser, I hope it went well.

Sep 11, 2006 • 02:43

3

gravel

Holy shit! A couple decades for a twinkie to decompose? Man, that is scary. Makes you wonder what those things do to your guts…

Sep 11, 2006 • 06:21

4

adam snider

A pack of sour Skittles and a Big Gulp—breakfast of short-lived champions.

Sep 13, 2006 • 21:53

Street at night

Street at night

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StreetRag is an urban weblog and podcast about the city of Edmonton, which is located in the province of Alberta, Canada. It is authored by Edmonton-based writer, web advocate, and poet Michael Gravel and is updated frequently with written urban vignettes, amateurish photographs, deuteronomous audio material, barely coherent musings and rambling ecumenical treatises. StreetRag is a love letter to a lonely prairie burg struggling with its big city ambitions and small-town feel.

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